things i drop
- my phone
- my food
- my pens
- my grades
- the bass
it’s 2014 and there’s still guys tryna rock the 2009 justin bieber hairstyle please love yourself
one time my girlfriend texted me this blurry picture of a thermometer and there was a second where i had a heart attack because i thought it was a pregnancy test but then i came to the realization that we’re lesbians
You ever have those moments where, just out of nowhere, you’re hit with a rock-hard Halloween boner? You are suddenly consumed with desire for pumpkin spice flavored everything, orange and black decorations everywhere you look, skulls, pumpkins, spiderwebs, spooky music, movies like Hocus Pocus and Trick R Treat, stripey stockings on the cheap, weak-ass little fog machines, ect. even though it’s the middle of goddamn June?
365 days of the year
wait if eve ate the apple then why the fuck is it called an adam’s apple
because she ate the apple, and then convinced adam to eat the apple as well so that she wouldn’t be alone, but the piece he bit off got stuck in his throat.
It got stuck because at the exact moment he was swallowing, God jumped out from behind a bush like
“WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?!”
I would like to thank my arms, for always being by side. My legs, for always supporting me, and my fingers…because I can always count on them.
this will be my speech when i win an oscar
Don’t forget the hips, for not lying.
have you ever met a person that you’re forced to mantain a level of cold civility towards but if you could you would totally punch them as hard as you could but you can’t so every second you’re forced to be around them you’re thinking of smashing their face in just so they’ll shut up
"when women wear makeup they’re basically lying to us" well i don’t see why i’m being blamed for a man stupid enough to really think i have red and gold eyelids